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Rakuen log: Ah am the Eye of the Storm
[OOC: Part of this log, referenced following this comment.]
All was dark for a moment, before Nephenee found herself in a beautiful conservatory full of plants both recognized and not. It wasn’t the small greenhouse at Rakuen…this place was huge, which beggared the question of Where the hell am Ah? There was a conflicting air here that set her on edge: peaceful but for an air of tension lingering, no birdsong or animal noises, though she could sense their presence. It felt like they lie in wait, anticipating something, the only sounds a decent breeze blowing through and crashing water nearby. How the hell was there this much wind inside? That was unimportant; she needed to get back to the gym. There was a path before her, so she took it.
The walk wasn’t long, the path opening to the source of that crashing water: a small, crystal clear lake with a waterfall near the side. Oddly, there was an image seemingly projected onto the falls from nowhere, and a tall, slim, feminine figure watching it nearby with interest, donned in beautiful blue and green armor, a single light green braid falling down her back the only thing disrupting the gold and silver stitching on a deep blue cloak of strangely-shaped panels that shifted slightly in the wind. Something about that embroidery seemed familiar, but again, not important. She noted the lance and shield against the rock wall, and her approach was interrupted about six feet away by the figure speaking, her voice sweet and warm and deeply, unapologetically country. “Wondered when we’d need to talk.” The woman said, “Reckon that’s answered now.”
Nephenee scowled, ignoring all the questions that statement brought up as she stepped forward and demanded through gritted teeth, “Where the hell am Ah, an’ who the hell are ya?”
The answer was simple, as the woman turned to face the Crimean, her visored helm obscuring much of her lightly tanned face, though not the quirk of berry lips. “Your mind, cause ya need a talkin’ to, an’ your Strength.”
Strength? Wait…the stitching…a silver “XI” and a woman over a lion in gold? That’s why it’d seemed familiar. “…Pallas Athena?” Her Persona didn’t look like this, though…
"Naw, not quite...listen t’yourself." The Arcana chuckled lightly, a laugh with actual mirth behind it, and removed her helmet. "Although, well...'Ah am thou, thou art Ah' sure fits."
Before Nephenee stood…herself, if she had a slight golden glow to her eyes and carried a quiet, calm, steady confidence etched in her features—surety that said she knew exactly what she could do and how to do it most effectively, both on the battlefield and off, exactly who she was, and that she knew she was attractive, all clad in azure and emerald and unmarred by arrogance. “…What?” There was something of her this…self-assured and self-aware? This…beautiful? That was really the only word to truly describe the essence of what she saw, and the stark contrast to how she perceived herself had her feeling a little intimidated, even as she was confused.
"Ah'm...let's say the part o'ya that personifies the Strength Arcana, your Strength, awoken after ya accepted your Shadow.” There was a mischievous smile, “Or, should Ah say..."
Oh no. “Don’t.”
"Persona-fies."
The Arcana giggled loudly at the horrible pun, and Nephenee groaned. "Yeah, you're me, alright, that's bad ‘nuff to be Pa, Dad, an' Morgan rolled into one.” It was bad when two father figures and a love all got added together to create such a terrible joke. “So you’re a part o’me created when Ah accepted my Shadow, yeah?”
“Awoken. Not the Mage sort, Ah’ was jus’ dormant before.” Heading off any questions there, Nephenee would get distracted otherwise.
A nod. “‘Right, why am Ah here?"
Nephenee’s Strength tilted her head, crossing her arms. "You’re why. Why was your answer almost immediately wantin’ to run in like an idiot to smack her down?"
What? "'Cause Ah'd never sacrifice myself to them!” Honestly, how could she ask that? “An'..."
The rest was cut off. "Wouldn't ya?” Strength’s voice grew heated. “Ya ain't taken care o'yourself too well in the past...the second ya ran in like a rampagin’ bull, it'd be over. Ya don't got the health to handle getting’ smacked like that again! Might as well o'said 'yes' if ya did that!"
Realization hit, and Nephenee looked away from her inner self, not speaking. ...Dammit, she had her dead to rights on that.
The armored woman sighed. "Nephie...it won't do them any good for ya to get hurt or trapped. An', more important, it won't do you any good to get hurt or trapped. Ya’ve given so much o’yourself for so long, ya forget to take care o’the person doin’ the takin’ care o’folks. Ya done it since Pa died...an’ ya keep gettin’ in trouble for it. Ya can’t do it here. Ya stand to lose yourself if ya do. An’ Ah, for one, don’t feel like hopin’ that Morgan or someone can pull us outta here if ya fail, or waitin’ for ya to get your head on straight on another go ‘round when they come back. Ya know they’d keep comin’ back, too, but…rather they not hafta.”
“...” Double dammit, other her was right, again. But talking about herself wasn’t going to get her anywhere here. “What...should Ah do? We gotta defeat ‘em…Ah don’t know if Ah can…” Fear seeped into her voice at the last.
“We got everythin’ we need to do so, but you’re lettin’ your fear color everythin’, an' it’s changin' the dream, literally makin’ ‘em hit harder." Seriously, how was the rest of her psyche this dense? Talking about this was the key. "We’re stronger than them...heck, we’re literally Strength. Yeah, we lost ‘gainst ‘em before, but we didn’t have our memories an’ everythin’ then. Ya gotta stop lettin’ fear reign over ya. Also, have ya noticed somethin’? When did ya get pulled into somethin’ an’ had friends get pulled in after ya where somethin’ wanted ya to fail an’ wanted your friends to see it?”
“...” Wait. Are you kidding her? “When Ah...was dealin’ with my...Shadow.”
“Yep. Same thing that triggered that is triggerin’ this—ya may not hate yourself like ya did, but ya still need to learn to care for yourself, stop bein’ an island. Ya gotta fight for one more person than ya are.”
Nephenee had to think on that for a second, before realizing through her self-esteem problems what was meant. “...Me?”
“Thank everythin’ holy...Yep. Guess what: you’re worth fightin’ for, too. If ya weren’t, ya really think we would have as many friends as we do, an’ the best fiance in the world?”
“…Naw.”
“If they think you’re pretty great, strong, sweet, beautiful, an’ everythin’ else...one or two folks can be mistaken. Not as many people as we got on our side, though. Maybe ya should start seein’ that.”
The Crimean thought about that and sighed. “…But...” How could she say that about herself?
The Arcana rubbed her temples, just as Nephenee did when she was exasperated. “Dear sweet Celestia. See, this is why Ah gotta be the part o’ya’s that’s self-aware. Heaven knows most o’ya ain’t.” She stepped forward to put an arm around Nephenee’s shoulders and pulled her forward to see the image that was on the surface of the waterfall. “Watch, an’ Listen.” The uniformed Sentinel did so, finding the sound louder as she tuned in.
“Sis knows that it wouldn't do any good because we'd keep coming back to free her. You don't seem to understand that part. You'd still be a problem and would probably be tired of seeing us come back again and again. She's worth more then you'd ever know since you don't want to look and see what's in front of you." Cirno standing in front of her to block their seeing her and her words brought a smile to her face; even scared, her sister was trying so hard to help her.
"Wait, what the hell? Knight is my freaking name." Irony, that. Morgan stood beside her, offering a hand up, and Nephenee wished she could take it right now. "No knight, honestly, but you know, you're right. There's no knight needed, because Nephenee is going to absolutely kick your asses. Considering the only way you're getting any advantage is by cheap shots at everybody else involved, you know that's true. That's why you're making that offer. You're scared, because you also know what's going to happen the moment Neph stands up. And you know it's not going to end well for you. So let me make you a counteroffer."
Nephenee and Strength both tilted their heads, before he finished, “When you're going down and regretting everything... do I flip you guys off with my left hand, my right, or both? I'm ambidextrous, you know."
“Both!” They said in unison, before they both lost it, leaning against each other to keep themselves from ending up on the grass. “T-that’s Morgan, alright.” Nephenee said, wiping away a tear.
“That’s Our Knight,” the Arcana agreed, before gesturing back to the image.
Tails took a side. “They’re right, you know. We’d keep coming back for her if she needed us, but I’ve seen her fight in Kalos. She took on Nightmare and the vision it showed her of Equestria burning and everyone dead, even hurt from a powerful shadow pony looking like her, and led the charge through all of that. She’s stronger than you think.”
“See? They think all that, and ya know for a fact they wouldn’t say those things without meanin’. Are ya callin’ them liars by sayin’ that’s not true? Ya callin’ Morgan a liar by sayin’ ya can’t do this or ya ain’t any o’what he’s said before ‘bout ya?”
The look on Nephenee’s face changed to a horrified one. “What, no! Ah’d never!”
“Then listen to yourself, listen to your friends, an’ start believin’ an’ actin’ on it! What is it Morgan told ya back when Kruetzer died, ‘The past is the past'. It 'isn't for livin’ in’? It’s for learnin’ from, an' it was foolish to let what was ruin what is? He’s right, an’ ya need to remember that. Ya done too much o’that in your life. Our life, really. We’re gonna be alright, but you gotta let go o’it, fight for yourself an’ not jus’ our friends, an’ deal with the aftermath afterward. We’re a Sentinel, for cryin’ out loud. Legendary lancer, calm an’ surety! Right?”
Listening to her inner monologue (dialogue? She wasn’t sure what this was), Nephenee thought about what she was saying. All of her friends believed so strongly in her...and they all cared so deeply that she could never see them lying about any of this. Heck, Morgan was marrying her, and he certainly wouldn't put himself with her if he didn't believe everything he said. Not that she really doubted that... And, for once...she accepted it, and nodded, feeling lighter for strength it brought. “Right.”
“Finally. Ya got this. But, Ah can help a lil’ bit. Here.”
The sentinel looked down at the Arcana’s outstretched, vambraced hand, where a scroll lay. “What’s this?”
“Somethin’ ya’ve had all along an’ jus’ need to be reminded of. Read it.”
Opening the scroll, Neph saw the flowing Crimean script filling the page and realized what it was, even as the text started to fade from the page and into her mind. “A...Scroll o’Resolve?” She’d known they existed, made it easier to fight harder by strengthening your will, but…
“Yup. Don’t know if it’ll work outside o’the dream, but might help here to be...well, who ya really are.” The scroll started taking hold and anchoring the strength of will within her further, as the Arcana continued, “an’ Ah don’t jus’ mean a beautiful blue an’ green whirlwind o’furious glory.” Alright, her inner self definitely could hear the outside, because that was damn close to how Morgan might describe her, had described her, there. “Yes, yes it is.” Oh, great, she could hear her thou-wait, of course she could, because this was part of her. “Focus. Ya got this?”
“...Yeah.” Nephenee smiled, feeling her soul being brightened from all of this. “Yeah, reckon Ah do.” The wind blowing around them stilled as she said it.
“Good.” Strength made a shooing motion. “Go out there, kick ass, forgive yourself, an’ get out o’this hell for good. Then be happy an’ know you an’ Cirno conquered this place finally, an’ smooch the hell out of Our Knight. In that order. An’ when ya get outta there...don’t be an apologizin’ mess. Do what ya gotta do to make things right, make amends if ya need to, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Ain’t gonna do ya any good...certainly won’t do him or anyone else any good if you’re bein’ your own worst enemy still. Keep your promise to tell him everythin'. He deserves to know the truth o'all this an' more. Got it?”
“Got it...Before ya send me back...one last thing?”
The Arcana looked to her with a quirked emerald eyebrow, “Hm?”
“...Can Ah borrow that armor for a second? If Ah’m gonna kick ass, Ah should look the part, not like...” She gestured in disgust at her uniform, “this.”
The answer was a laugh full of joy, and a nod. “Ya got it. Won’t function as armor, but..well, ya don’t need it to. Dodge everythin’, use their strength against them, jus’ like ya were taught. Hopefully Ah don’t gotta see ya again in here, but Ah’ll be watchin’. Remember: you’re fightin’ for you, too. An’ Nephie?”
“Yeah?”
“Conquer your fears, burn that dread, be both the storm an’ it’s eye like the Sentinels o’old…
an’ most o’all…
be.”
All was dark for a moment, before Nephenee found herself in a beautiful conservatory full of plants both recognized and not. It wasn’t the small greenhouse at Rakuen…this place was huge, which beggared the question of Where the hell am Ah? There was a conflicting air here that set her on edge: peaceful but for an air of tension lingering, no birdsong or animal noises, though she could sense their presence. It felt like they lie in wait, anticipating something, the only sounds a decent breeze blowing through and crashing water nearby. How the hell was there this much wind inside? That was unimportant; she needed to get back to the gym. There was a path before her, so she took it.
The walk wasn’t long, the path opening to the source of that crashing water: a small, crystal clear lake with a waterfall near the side. Oddly, there was an image seemingly projected onto the falls from nowhere, and a tall, slim, feminine figure watching it nearby with interest, donned in beautiful blue and green armor, a single light green braid falling down her back the only thing disrupting the gold and silver stitching on a deep blue cloak of strangely-shaped panels that shifted slightly in the wind. Something about that embroidery seemed familiar, but again, not important. She noted the lance and shield against the rock wall, and her approach was interrupted about six feet away by the figure speaking, her voice sweet and warm and deeply, unapologetically country. “Wondered when we’d need to talk.” The woman said, “Reckon that’s answered now.”
Nephenee scowled, ignoring all the questions that statement brought up as she stepped forward and demanded through gritted teeth, “Where the hell am Ah, an’ who the hell are ya?”
The answer was simple, as the woman turned to face the Crimean, her visored helm obscuring much of her lightly tanned face, though not the quirk of berry lips. “Your mind, cause ya need a talkin’ to, an’ your Strength.”
Strength? Wait…the stitching…a silver “XI” and a woman over a lion in gold? That’s why it’d seemed familiar. “…Pallas Athena?” Her Persona didn’t look like this, though…
"Naw, not quite...listen t’yourself." The Arcana chuckled lightly, a laugh with actual mirth behind it, and removed her helmet. "Although, well...'Ah am thou, thou art Ah' sure fits."
Before Nephenee stood…herself, if she had a slight golden glow to her eyes and carried a quiet, calm, steady confidence etched in her features—surety that said she knew exactly what she could do and how to do it most effectively, both on the battlefield and off, exactly who she was, and that she knew she was attractive, all clad in azure and emerald and unmarred by arrogance. “…What?” There was something of her this…self-assured and self-aware? This…beautiful? That was really the only word to truly describe the essence of what she saw, and the stark contrast to how she perceived herself had her feeling a little intimidated, even as she was confused.
"Ah'm...let's say the part o'ya that personifies the Strength Arcana, your Strength, awoken after ya accepted your Shadow.” There was a mischievous smile, “Or, should Ah say..."
Oh no. “Don’t.”
"Persona-fies."
The Arcana giggled loudly at the horrible pun, and Nephenee groaned. "Yeah, you're me, alright, that's bad ‘nuff to be Pa, Dad, an' Morgan rolled into one.” It was bad when two father figures and a love all got added together to create such a terrible joke. “So you’re a part o’me created when Ah accepted my Shadow, yeah?”
“Awoken. Not the Mage sort, Ah’ was jus’ dormant before.” Heading off any questions there, Nephenee would get distracted otherwise.
A nod. “‘Right, why am Ah here?"
Nephenee’s Strength tilted her head, crossing her arms. "You’re why. Why was your answer almost immediately wantin’ to run in like an idiot to smack her down?"
What? "'Cause Ah'd never sacrifice myself to them!” Honestly, how could she ask that? “An'..."
The rest was cut off. "Wouldn't ya?” Strength’s voice grew heated. “Ya ain't taken care o'yourself too well in the past...the second ya ran in like a rampagin’ bull, it'd be over. Ya don't got the health to handle getting’ smacked like that again! Might as well o'said 'yes' if ya did that!"
Realization hit, and Nephenee looked away from her inner self, not speaking. ...Dammit, she had her dead to rights on that.
The armored woman sighed. "Nephie...it won't do them any good for ya to get hurt or trapped. An', more important, it won't do you any good to get hurt or trapped. Ya’ve given so much o’yourself for so long, ya forget to take care o’the person doin’ the takin’ care o’folks. Ya done it since Pa died...an’ ya keep gettin’ in trouble for it. Ya can’t do it here. Ya stand to lose yourself if ya do. An’ Ah, for one, don’t feel like hopin’ that Morgan or someone can pull us outta here if ya fail, or waitin’ for ya to get your head on straight on another go ‘round when they come back. Ya know they’d keep comin’ back, too, but…rather they not hafta.”
“...” Double dammit, other her was right, again. But talking about herself wasn’t going to get her anywhere here. “What...should Ah do? We gotta defeat ‘em…Ah don’t know if Ah can…” Fear seeped into her voice at the last.
“We got everythin’ we need to do so, but you’re lettin’ your fear color everythin’, an' it’s changin' the dream, literally makin’ ‘em hit harder." Seriously, how was the rest of her psyche this dense? Talking about this was the key. "We’re stronger than them...heck, we’re literally Strength. Yeah, we lost ‘gainst ‘em before, but we didn’t have our memories an’ everythin’ then. Ya gotta stop lettin’ fear reign over ya. Also, have ya noticed somethin’? When did ya get pulled into somethin’ an’ had friends get pulled in after ya where somethin’ wanted ya to fail an’ wanted your friends to see it?”
“...” Wait. Are you kidding her? “When Ah...was dealin’ with my...Shadow.”
“Yep. Same thing that triggered that is triggerin’ this—ya may not hate yourself like ya did, but ya still need to learn to care for yourself, stop bein’ an island. Ya gotta fight for one more person than ya are.”
Nephenee had to think on that for a second, before realizing through her self-esteem problems what was meant. “...Me?”
“Thank everythin’ holy...Yep. Guess what: you’re worth fightin’ for, too. If ya weren’t, ya really think we would have as many friends as we do, an’ the best fiance in the world?”
“…Naw.”
“If they think you’re pretty great, strong, sweet, beautiful, an’ everythin’ else...one or two folks can be mistaken. Not as many people as we got on our side, though. Maybe ya should start seein’ that.”
The Crimean thought about that and sighed. “…But...” How could she say that about herself?
The Arcana rubbed her temples, just as Nephenee did when she was exasperated. “Dear sweet Celestia. See, this is why Ah gotta be the part o’ya’s that’s self-aware. Heaven knows most o’ya ain’t.” She stepped forward to put an arm around Nephenee’s shoulders and pulled her forward to see the image that was on the surface of the waterfall. “Watch, an’ Listen.” The uniformed Sentinel did so, finding the sound louder as she tuned in.
“Sis knows that it wouldn't do any good because we'd keep coming back to free her. You don't seem to understand that part. You'd still be a problem and would probably be tired of seeing us come back again and again. She's worth more then you'd ever know since you don't want to look and see what's in front of you." Cirno standing in front of her to block their seeing her and her words brought a smile to her face; even scared, her sister was trying so hard to help her.
"Wait, what the hell? Knight is my freaking name." Irony, that. Morgan stood beside her, offering a hand up, and Nephenee wished she could take it right now. "No knight, honestly, but you know, you're right. There's no knight needed, because Nephenee is going to absolutely kick your asses. Considering the only way you're getting any advantage is by cheap shots at everybody else involved, you know that's true. That's why you're making that offer. You're scared, because you also know what's going to happen the moment Neph stands up. And you know it's not going to end well for you. So let me make you a counteroffer."
Nephenee and Strength both tilted their heads, before he finished, “When you're going down and regretting everything... do I flip you guys off with my left hand, my right, or both? I'm ambidextrous, you know."
“Both!” They said in unison, before they both lost it, leaning against each other to keep themselves from ending up on the grass. “T-that’s Morgan, alright.” Nephenee said, wiping away a tear.
“That’s Our Knight,” the Arcana agreed, before gesturing back to the image.
Tails took a side. “They’re right, you know. We’d keep coming back for her if she needed us, but I’ve seen her fight in Kalos. She took on Nightmare and the vision it showed her of Equestria burning and everyone dead, even hurt from a powerful shadow pony looking like her, and led the charge through all of that. She’s stronger than you think.”
“See? They think all that, and ya know for a fact they wouldn’t say those things without meanin’. Are ya callin’ them liars by sayin’ that’s not true? Ya callin’ Morgan a liar by sayin’ ya can’t do this or ya ain’t any o’what he’s said before ‘bout ya?”
The look on Nephenee’s face changed to a horrified one. “What, no! Ah’d never!”
“Then listen to yourself, listen to your friends, an’ start believin’ an’ actin’ on it! What is it Morgan told ya back when Kruetzer died, ‘The past is the past'. It 'isn't for livin’ in’? It’s for learnin’ from, an' it was foolish to let what was ruin what is? He’s right, an’ ya need to remember that. Ya done too much o’that in your life. Our life, really. We’re gonna be alright, but you gotta let go o’it, fight for yourself an’ not jus’ our friends, an’ deal with the aftermath afterward. We’re a Sentinel, for cryin’ out loud. Legendary lancer, calm an’ surety! Right?”
Listening to her inner monologue (dialogue? She wasn’t sure what this was), Nephenee thought about what she was saying. All of her friends believed so strongly in her...and they all cared so deeply that she could never see them lying about any of this. Heck, Morgan was marrying her, and he certainly wouldn't put himself with her if he didn't believe everything he said. Not that she really doubted that... And, for once...she accepted it, and nodded, feeling lighter for strength it brought. “Right.”
“Finally. Ya got this. But, Ah can help a lil’ bit. Here.”
The sentinel looked down at the Arcana’s outstretched, vambraced hand, where a scroll lay. “What’s this?”
“Somethin’ ya’ve had all along an’ jus’ need to be reminded of. Read it.”
Opening the scroll, Neph saw the flowing Crimean script filling the page and realized what it was, even as the text started to fade from the page and into her mind. “A...Scroll o’Resolve?” She’d known they existed, made it easier to fight harder by strengthening your will, but…
“Yup. Don’t know if it’ll work outside o’the dream, but might help here to be...well, who ya really are.” The scroll started taking hold and anchoring the strength of will within her further, as the Arcana continued, “an’ Ah don’t jus’ mean a beautiful blue an’ green whirlwind o’furious glory.” Alright, her inner self definitely could hear the outside, because that was damn close to how Morgan might describe her, had described her, there. “Yes, yes it is.” Oh, great, she could hear her thou-wait, of course she could, because this was part of her. “Focus. Ya got this?”
“...Yeah.” Nephenee smiled, feeling her soul being brightened from all of this. “Yeah, reckon Ah do.” The wind blowing around them stilled as she said it.
“Good.” Strength made a shooing motion. “Go out there, kick ass, forgive yourself, an’ get out o’this hell for good. Then be happy an’ know you an’ Cirno conquered this place finally, an’ smooch the hell out of Our Knight. In that order. An’ when ya get outta there...don’t be an apologizin’ mess. Do what ya gotta do to make things right, make amends if ya need to, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Ain’t gonna do ya any good...certainly won’t do him or anyone else any good if you’re bein’ your own worst enemy still. Keep your promise to tell him everythin'. He deserves to know the truth o'all this an' more. Got it?”
“Got it...Before ya send me back...one last thing?”
The Arcana looked to her with a quirked emerald eyebrow, “Hm?”
“...Can Ah borrow that armor for a second? If Ah’m gonna kick ass, Ah should look the part, not like...” She gestured in disgust at her uniform, “this.”
The answer was a laugh full of joy, and a nod. “Ya got it. Won’t function as armor, but..well, ya don’t need it to. Dodge everythin’, use their strength against them, jus’ like ya were taught. Hopefully Ah don’t gotta see ya again in here, but Ah’ll be watchin’. Remember: you’re fightin’ for you, too. An’ Nephie?”
“Yeah?”
“Conquer your fears, burn that dread, be both the storm an’ it’s eye like the Sentinels o’old…
an’ most o’all…
be.”